Friday, June 23, 2006
Lunch has just been served at the office…I had soup…with the soup came a spoon and a serviette…and a tooth pick?
Its Butter nut soup…what’s the tooth pick for? How stringy can a butternut be?
Anyway – my mind is currently in both a state of flux and constant motion! This time next week I will be in Vegas with a daily average temp of 45 degrees and a Sea Food Buffet for myself made for seven.
I have just been to the radio station to say goodbye or rather Bon Voyage…I am coming back…its just three months!!
Pretty sad though been almost ten years that I have been on air in some capacity…
Think it shall be an adventure though – not quite Indiana Jones and the temple of Doom but the Land of Lost Wages I sure will hold many treasures…and light bulbs…
Okay have to phone the Embassy re. Passport AGAIN!
PS Butternut soup good – not lumpy and stringy; as predicted the toothpick is superfluous to the meal really…go figure.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
It's been quiet around here...
So the reason for the solitude on this blog over the past few days is that I have not stopped running from pillar to post (odd expression but its true - I have had them installed in my house – one at each end and they keep me fit...who needs a running machine when I have a pillar and a post!...okay that’s not true its the caffeine talking...but what great idea to sell through VeriMark!).
In the past few days I have left my old job (not my one air one although I have left that too now albeit for a sabbatical...confusing?) , and am now in the process of packing my bags for a three month stint in Las Vegas – life is fast round here people keep up!
Now I cannot tell you why I am going as its work based and we like to keep things hush here at MI5...dammit...that’s not true either, forget I told you. But suffice to say I cannot divulge my reasons for going or what I shall be doing there.
I can, however tell you the “in's and out” of the big city when I get there...which suddenly gives this blog a whole new reason for living! Not only will I be able to keep up with such socialites as Paris, Nicole and the rest of the celebutante strip-junkies, but I will also hopefully be bringing you first hand news of the Playboy bunnies hot off the press! After all dear readers Las Vegas is home to Hugh Hefner Drive!...where else would they be hiding out?
So a few good things have fallen from the apple tree with regards to this - as in previous posts I have been telling you my flat in Cape Town is still be restored / built / financially crippled over the past 2 years - my lease was up on my rented apartment this month and I was about to be homeless once more, save intervention from the parents. Fortunately fate stepped in and offered my bright lights, dessert air and an all-you-can-eat 24-hour buffet at the Bellagio.
So while I am away, the speedy little buggers XXXXXXX construction can while-away a few more good man hours, sitting in my flat chopping on a sarnie (genuinely - went to check progress on flat at 3pm a few days ago and apparently that is builders tea-party time...who knew?) and hopefully within three months and upon my triumphant return, perhaps they may have completed the geyser installation...well there is always hope.
Right now I am waiting on my British Passport to be delivered - this is a whole other story which frankly I feel to exhausted to explain here but suffice (third time I have used that word now) to say it was stolen / went "missing" in a move to my rented flat without my knowing - so when I came to start booking flights lo-and-behold me and the British High Commission nearly kick off World War 3... as always with bureaucracy they won…but I live to fight another day.
Okay must dash now and get the day started...
Moses lasted 40 days in the desert...but I have aircon, All-You-Can-Eat buffets and a water-mist spray, so I should be okay.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I feel the need to say that I was watching Heff and the Mansion women again last night – a full hour! E-Tv knows a thing or two about keeping its audience enthralled.
I have discovered where the attraction comes in (to keep watching I mean…even for women). And its not the girls in bikinis! It’s the fact the three girls are just lying, lying, lying! Well two of them are…
Lying when they say they are happy with the situation that is. Its becoming more and more apparent however as we “strip back those layers” (Michael Moore would be proud of this doccie) that Kendra is actually very cool with it all…or does not know that Heff could die at any moment and she would be back in Tentville very fast…
She loves beautiful ladies, as she keeps telling us and she seems to love Heff too. For a women who seems to come from a trailer park on the bad side of
Basically I sum her up as a overly tanned stray pavement special, adopted by kindly old pensioner. I don’t really think she competes with the other two – she doesn’t need too…as long as she is not hooking up her caravan to the mains each night she is content and in heaven…Bless.
Now the other two!!! Holly is perhaps the most possessive kitty in the litter – the rabid-rabbit in the Heff hutch…watch this one! I think when it comes to a Bunny girl celebrity slamming-matches, she is the one who will come out with rabbits feet bared and carrots at high-noon.
She is Heff’s oldest bunny girlfriend (longest) but not the oldest girl (as in age…u keeping up?). Bridgett takes that mantle (and I hate to say it looks it too) – Bridge however is super brainy and qualified in some masters of something…bikinis I suspect…so she could probably out-wit and out-play Holly in a to-the-death game of Weakest link….”you are the weakest bikini strap – please go…”
While Kendra welcomes new playmates like old friends ( a puppy with a new toy) to the Mansion, the other two – Blondie and the Brain – stare down the possible competition and sneakily pass snide remarks to the camera…as is the want of a reality TV star.
So…I have gone off Holly a bit – she was my fav but she is getting a bit “snivels” this week. I don’t know…perhaps the producers set her up; hey it happened to Omarosa!!!
So this week my allegiance is with Kendra – she is not the prettiest but I am sure you will agree beauty is only skin deep – even Felicia has a husband which rather proves my point that anyone can be loved.
Kendra gets it this week because she is not worried about losing – she doesn’t even know there is a competition…I go with her because right now she doesn’t have to wake up in the morning, feed the pets (rats) and make sure the tyres on her home are still inflated – and that’s progress right there folks!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Banks are funny people.
I recently took out a bond on a property that I paid a deposit on two years ago – I haven’t moved into the property yet, as its not finished.
It’s a long story and all the details can be found in my blog post here http://whenthemikeisoff.blogspot.com/2006/06/swiss-clocks-and-glass-flowerswhere.html .My problem is now this – I want to move in but after two years of waiting and huge cash payments to get things in working order (100k of my own money to get some water and electricity – Eskom willing) I have practically exhausted my savings but still have no kitchen and bathroom in the place...G-freind not keen on living in home without bath and my comments about buckets and hot water is not going down a treat...
I want to move out of my rented house as I am sick and tired of paying rent for past 2 years and now paying rent and a bond – we are talking nearly 13k a month in just having a roof over my head - actually 2 roofs but one is not over my head…
So with my sound reasoning I approach the bank that supplied my bond and explained that the property is worth far more than I paid for it 2 years ago…my income allows me far more than I have currently bonded on the property, so let’s do a deal.
My request is simple – I need to borrow more to complete the property and move in – I have the required finances – you have the cash…but…Bank says NO.
Well the bond is only 3 months old – I need to wait longer to be able re-mortgage my bond…I can understand that to a point, however when I asked the young man on the call center switch board what I should do while I slowly bankrupt myself with rent and bond every month, he suggested I take out a personal loan to complete the property…
So here goes folks; my sound financial advice in print from my sound financial advisor “the bank guy”:A rough guide to my living expenses as of next momth...before I have eaten.
Bond: R6000 (can handle that – it’s my home)
Rent: R5000 (can handle that as I have somewhere to live – except I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO LIVE I JUST CANT MOVE INTO IT!)
Personal loan over three years (100k): Roughly R5000 PM!!
So my new found “Financial advisor” is suggesting 16k a month in base living expenses (while I continue to build) not including car, insurances, pensions investments etc..mmm I wont be going broke and homeless anytime soon then!!
Oh why cant I be one of Heff's girlfreinds now!
All is not negative though - “call centre guy” will probably have been promoted by then – if this is his way of thinking, then his bosses are going to snap him up for his management potential - S*it put him in charge of retail banking costs!!!
The great thing is that when I am finished and moved in, instead of paying rent I will now be paying a personal loan off…until such time as I can re-mortgage…
Now I am not blaming anyone here – if this is how things work out then so be it – but at the end of the day surely the bank can look at the situation, see that I am not an idiot and that the property is valued at a higher amount than bonded…and I will be paying roughly R1000 more instead of paying R5000 a month at far greater interest! That way I can pay the bond with ease and they won’t have to come chasing me for cash…?
When they come to me to ask for there house back I will be pointing out this blog….
Yours asset forfeiture.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I was talking about Hugh Heff the other night – possibly the best TV entertainment on right now after Eastenders and the re-runs of Felicia on the series channel…(okay thats a joke...)
Basically the whole show revolves around Heff, his three (count them…1…2…3!) Playboy bunnies Holly, Bridget and Kendra and the fun they have at the mansion…its TV genius…I am hooked...its like the first series of Survivor but with cute little bunny ears and lots of platinum hair dye!
The girls all pretend to get on well and love eachother - sure why wouldnt they be happy - roof over their head, millionaire boyfriend who must be close to buying the farm and their own TV show...heck I would do it! Except sleep with H...he's lovely but male and wrinkly...its just not me...but I would be happy to look after the girls...he must be tired every now and then...its the least I could do heff...
First time viewers may be forgiven for thinking Hugh is dating triplets...who's mother OD'd on a bottle of bleach and self tan just before popping them out...then H came along and adopted the poor orphans and raised them as his own....okay maybe thats my fantasy...things are getting blurred...
In fact each girl has her own personality and hair tone...although both are equally as subtle...each week E-TV plans to slowly peel back their complex characters and reveal the girl behind the bunny ears and Pam Anderson hairdo...
A quick synopsis of who is who in the Bunny cage:
Holly is a beautiful blonde from Alaska. She claims she is Hef’s number one girlfriend. Holly has been dating Hef for three and half years. She spends the night in Hef’s room and seems pretty possessive of her man. Holly also said she wants Hef to get rid of his other two girlfriends and focus completely on her.
Bridget is Hef’s second girlfriend. She is from California and has been dating Hef for three years, only 6 months less than Holly. Bridget said that she and Holly are best friends. Bridget said that most people think of two words when they see Hef’s girlfriends…bimbo and slut.
Kendra is girlfriend number three. Hef met her when she was waitressing a cocktail party at the Mansion. Granted her clothes were of the painted on variety but she was a cocktail waitress nonetheless. Kendra has been dating Hef for a year.
Right now my biggest problem is who do I like more?…Okay I have removed Heff from the running here; although he is a demi-god in my books…come on! At his age and he has three of them???…mind you he owns the company…and shares in Viagra no doubt.
To be honest although she is a bit posseive Holly is winning in my stakes at the moment – she is a good blend between brains and looks whereas the other two are either to athletic and thick; thats Kendra or a bit too “non-entity” in my opinion…that would be Bridge….
I might change my thoughts here – its early days, the bunnies have only just left the gates – we are only a week into the series…afterall I wasn’t a fan of the A-Teams Murdoch until about the third episoide, so I am reserving final judgemnet until the final screening…
I wait with baited breathe in my new purple velvet heff gown and remote control…
I am not talking about helping lost tourists looking for TABBEL MOUNT, DA WATTERFRROOONT or MERVREEKS, but rather some of the people that occupy space inside my radio and behind the flat-screen at home.
I can already here the gasps from the far left now! Everyone is equal and we should all get an equal chance in life yadda yadda…Well now no!…screw yourself because sadly this is not true in media. Print its fine – there we have spell checker…radio and TV…no.
The whole point of a news broadcast or such like is to get your message across – inform and educate the person on the other end, with TV license in hand saying, “I paid for this so tell me what’s going on today”.
If you are missing the one obvious thing that makes this happen for example – THE ENGLISH LANGAUGE – then don’t do it.
I want to know what’s going on when I watch the news – not try and work out what the f&*k you are saying and then only after that get an idea of what the actual story is about. I am not been unfair here as I would not even attempted to speak another persons language and think that I was even mildly getting my point across…
No German radio station has ever come up to me and said “hey why don’t you read the news for us this evening?” – You know why? Because the know that even if I was reading from a teleprompt I would still never in a million years be able to deliver the message in an understandable format!
I can speak Afrikaans and understand it better – however I would not dream, as a radio presenter to pretend, that me talking Afrikaans on air is not going to be difficult for some listeners to understand – so I don’t. I have conversations in Afrikaans regularly, but its normally me listening in their language and vice versa.
As an example I heard an advert this AM on radio describing how you could win a trip to Ecuador…sounds fab except the voice over artist pronounced it EeeeCudor…its EK QUI DOOR you brain fart EK – QUI – DOOR…its tantamount to you sitting at home with your calculator and saying “Oh 1 and 1 Ekwells 2”… How can the producer of that Ad let it go out like that? …that makes at least two stupid people in the booth at once?
Had to get that off my chest…
PS. I too have made screw ups on air, in the past, through wrong pronunciation and I realize it happens…I have had them pointed out and then don’t do it again. Now when I am unsure I look it up… BTW Producer and pratt Voice Over Artists…Its under EC…in the dictionary…it’s a place by the way…in case you were unsure…
Thursday, June 08, 2006
I went to the theater last night; the Nico Malan or as we know it now the Post-aparthied-we-cant-have-a-malan-on-the-nameplate-anymore-lets-call-it-Tshwane-oh-no-that’s-taken-how-about-the-Artscape Opera House.
The show was Mama Mia, which to the un-initiated is based on a Greek island and Abba music simultaneously…it sounds odd but it works – brilliantly too – but more on that later.
What I could not help noticing was the Nic’s shabby interior. From the outside that glass structure is still phenomenal and really gives you the feeling you are going on a proper night out when you walk up those stairs. Really gives you that Opera house feel.
I remember as kids been dragged to the theatre for a quick injection of culture regularly – my mother who was born a hippy (no really the yanked her out by her braids and had to do a c-section to get her guitar out), demanded that we would see ballet, opera and the likes in case we turned out to the like the kids next door – laidback, fun and skateboarders…I though they were kinda cool to be honest mum…feel I missed out there...
Anyway once inside that vast hulk of stone, concrete and glass I noticed that things haven’t changed since hippy used to take us there when we were kids – it’s the same carpet!!!! I could have sworn blind that the stain I left there as a 12 year old after vomiting up my coke post-Cinderella matinee was still there.
Those hanging chandeliers that were so "must have" back in the 70’s are still hanging there like a faded Bee-Gees album cover – the not-so-shiny-black veneer bar still lurks in the corner looking like something from a Miami Vice scene…its just so sad!!!!
It’s almost as bad as the Baxters half-a-citrus fruit decoration covering up the mould on their ceilings…buts that is an entirely different fruit basket of a conversation – don’t get me started!
Back to the Nic - I love the place I really do and the shows that get put on there are truly world class – but surely someone at the Artscape must have thought …”Hang on a moment – didn’t smoky brown glass and wood paneling go out with disco?...do we really need the brown carpet in the foyer still or should we change it something more modern and closer to the 80’s??”
My point is its like stepping back in time – I have never been to the Sydney opera house or such like, but I am damn sure that the place does not look like the interior of some ageing lounge-lizard lotharios shag pad…you get the distinct impression that if you happened to mention to one of the staff members there that "Earth, Wind and Fire" have actually in fact broken up they would be devastated! Did anyone mention the Millennium to these people? Do they know that not only has the BMW 6 series been taken out of production but it has been so long it has in actual fact been bought back as a retro!? ,
Come on people show some class!!
The show itself was incredible – the cast is out of this world and if you have never been a theatre-goer this is possibly the best show on earth to kick start your culture buds.
The plot is relatively simple, the music is all based on Abba (although I am sure the people at the Nico think it’s an original score – Abba as a group will only reach them in the 1970’s which by calculations is a mere three years away in Malan Time...about the same time they will hear that Beatles are breaking up...) and there is more than enough clapping and humming to keep the most absent mind entertained.
Go see it its on now – click here to get your tickets!
PS. it is clever isnt it - ArtScape? - its like lanscape for the arts...but also stands for Cape Arts...not remotley obvious...
So the first pics of Shiloh, the world’s most famous baby since Jesus and the birth of that little Panda bear, born in captivity a few years back in China, have been released…and true to form she may be days old but she is a stunner.
I feel the need to confess – the thing is you know that Shiloh is going to be a goddess – it’s a DNA proven fact that it cannot be any other way. And you know that Brad and Angie are loaded…so here’s my problem…
Do I hold off and wait until she is of dating age?…or do I make friends with them now…Shi can grow up knowing me as the lovable uncle R and as soon as she is of dating age, we go check out a movie then back to my place for a night cap?...
You see it’s guaranteed that the in-laws will be cool to hang out with…and when they pop the inheritance will be insane …
I used to feel guilty about these thoughts but then when I saw Natalie Portman in the Professional / Leon – she was 13 (probably younger but lie to myself so I feel better) and I knew she was hot …she was going to be shaggable from the start and I just had to wait – then a few years down the track, Queen Armadillo (or whatever it was) is shagging Darth Vader and I am vindicated!
(yes this has been written about before by Seth (www.2oceansvibe.com) he did call it - but I have always felt it in my loins and agree with him)
So I am calling it now! Uncle R is going to hang with Bradgelina and then when she is 18 we are sneaking off to the back row with some pop corn…screw it a man must have goals!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
This is from news24 today – take a read - unbelievable!
Take the names Suzette and Christiaan. Combine them and you'll get the name of a baby daughter called Chrizette.
This is what the daughter of singer Jurie Els and South Africa's high jump queen, Hestrie Cloete, will be called.
An excited Cloete said: "Jurie's first name is Christiaan and my second name is Suzette. I combined the names and our daughter will be called Chrizette.
"We haven't heard this name before. We'll have to see if she's going to be the only one in South Africa with this name."
Full story here: [http://www.news24.com/News24/Backpage/HotGossip/0,,2-1343-1344_1946639,00.html]
Now firstly when your name is already Hestrie you have to know something about been kicked before you have started to walk…so why oh why pass the mantle of shitdom down to your very own offspring – surely being born with original sin is enough!
Secondly and this gets my goat – her husband Jurie Els prefers to be called Jurie rather than his real name Christiaan…what is with that? Surely its an obvious choice??...I can understand if your first name is Pratt and your second is Billy you will choose the first but….????
And thirdly, Hestrie you are completely right – little Chrizette (I cringe writing that) will be the only one with that name...for a very long time to come FOR F-ING OBVIOUS REASONS!!!!!
CHRIZETE??...how do you shorten that?...I can only imagine the bed side manner in the nursery of the Cloete’s home:
“Ah little Crizzie (cringe again) “…tickle under chin, burp, burp….
“Ag nee – klein Crizzjie needs a nappy change…sis crizz…”
Please Jurie and Hestrie if not for your own sake then for little Crizzzzesessss (where the F do you put the apostrophe??) - please re think!
Just don’t reverse it and make it your first name and Juries second (assuming Jurie is it?)…because then it will be Hest-rie and you of all people have to know how that feels…
An arb thought – but if in the days of Criminal TV sensations – With CSI (pick your city of choice), Medical Detectives and the likes…surely if u plan to murder someone u would sit down and watch a few episodes, you know - get an idea of what the boys in blue might be looking out for…small things like, finger prints, hand writing samples…cell phone logs!!!!!!
To any prospective murderers out there check out this link www.TVSA.co.za - it has all the relevent info...
Just a thought.
PS. if we had CSI Cape Town I truly believe the first half of the program would be setting the scene; the next half hour would be trying to work out who nicked the bloody evidence!!!
Nothing, nadda, zilch…
In a way it’s a bit disappointing…after the Zuma trial and Dina Rodriguez pretty much been sown up (I mean come on!! Put her way now – surely everyone must realize she did it?...or am I the only one?) I could have dealt with some light hearted action. I must admit I felt the same after the 20th Anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster…I am sure you will agree – two decades on and no super heroes?... there was so much promise?
Actually if you think about, what if the dark One was born yesterday? Probably the way things are going he would have been born to some Hollywood celebrities and given possibly the daftest name ever – like Onion Stallone.
Now I don’t know about you but if a guy comes up to me with horns, smelly brimstone breathe and a pitch fork, declaring that he, Onion Stallone the dark Lord is here to screw around with my day a bit, whether I can take him seriously?
Which begs the question - Why do they do it?
Gerry Halliwell (Or Jelly as I like to call her since the pregnancy) ex-spice girls idiot-in-chief, had a baby the other day. She called it Bluebell Madonna – fortunately for Bluebell she is a girl, but what a stupid name – it’s not enough that her mum screwed her life up being the ginger one from the Crap Girls, but her reasoning was that Bluebells were very rare now (babies are not Jelly there are tons of ‘em!) and that no one really had the name Madonna….pardon?...uuummm!!!!…there is one with that name actually Jelly…two if you count baby Jesus mother…although that has never been biologically proven (the mother-son relationship I mean – but I digress)…the fact is if you are running around the playground with the name Bluebell Halliwell you are only going to get the shit kicked out of you…it stands to reason.
Personally I am waiting for the day some really famous Hollywood couple have a kid and call it something completely normal like Derek or Arthur…sadly in their tinsel town world that would be deemed amazingly original…
PS – does Shiloh not sound like a wheat farmer with a lisp trying to tell you where he stores his grain?...just a thought.
Anyway for quite a while was looking for a space [thats what I called it – very arty hey?] in the city – I didn't want a ready-made place...that would be to easy; no I wanted to create my own place and space in my own time. I can hear you laughing already...stop it!
Eventually through a friend I was introduced to a developer who had just bought an art deco building in the center of town – old building – beautiful architecture etc – I honestly thought it was to good to be true – the price for a empty four walls was less than half a mil which for city going through a boom bigger than than a Cosatu gathering i couldn't lose i thought.
I was right I couldn't lose - but i could be bled dry very, very slowly...
The developer sold me on some glass flowers that were going to adorn the one side of the building – stunning features that would be lit up and give the building an amazing arty feel – that combined with some very carefully selected sculptures dotted around the hanging garden in the center of a bustling cosmopolitan city how could I not shell out a few hundred thousand clams with absolute confidence...afterall he is swiss – they always know what they are doing...they shit like clock work, don't know what pollution is and make amazing chocolate...what's not to like?
So...after two years, a ton of cash later the flowers and the sculptures..they are in and very pretty they are too – you cant park in the building yet, the lifts don't work and the place is entirely uninhabitable but the flowers and the naked orange women made of stone look wonderful – every inch the beauty that the swiss toy maker had promised
My flat?...well lets see... I paid 100k in my very own hard earned cash to get the wet works done – wet works the un-initiated BTW is the plumbing, electrical connections and some other odds an ends that make up 100 thousands rands worth of wires, pipes and cement dust now decorating what one day shall be my living room.
I have an empty cement block which one day will house my bathroom and three windows in the lounge that were painted so lavishly with Dulux wall-and-all that the chances of ever getting them undone so one can sample the view [which was 80 percent the reason for buying – the other 20 percent was that I did need somewhere to live] is less likely than Zuma been charged for anything.
The upshot of it all is that I have 3 weeks left in my current place on the lease – i cant extend further as i originally came here for three months back in beginning of 2005 on the understanding I would take transfer in August and be moving out into a land of glassy floral decoration.
However I also cant move into said land of glass and naked orange women as the place is quite obviously unfit for actual people – orange or otherwise to live there...
So I am resorting to what every 30 year old at the prime of life does when the shit hits the proverbial housing fan...I am calling mum and teling her to make up the spare bedroom... would take my old room in the house but i have a sneaky feeling my brother is already on that one...nothing like out of work actors to really piss on your home coming...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I have to admit I admire old Hugh – while the rest of us spent our youth trying to raise cash in order to buy porn mags and get women into bed…Old H just went and bought a magazine (by that I mean he actually bought the entire business – not just a Cosmo) and then invited women into his bed so he could take pictures of them naked on the pretext that it would be good for their career (not to mention his)…the guy is a genius…he never gets out of his Jammies – has atleast three girls at anyone time and never even has to surf the net for porn…did the Greeks have a Hef version in their God‘s line up???