Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Love letter to Vodacom at the Waterfront...bless them.

Just wasted an entire morning in the vague hope that Vodacom in the Waterfront could help me out. You know, do their thing and sort out my 3G upgrade...sadly not...systems down...for three hours...although they forgot to mention that part to me...

Dear Vodacom Waterfront,

I loved spending 3 hours waiting on you and leaving with nothing. It made me feel special and valued as a client. After all, we spend so little time together, other than once a month when you go into my bank account, like you have every month for the past 6 years or so and take your fill. It was nice for a change to be visiting you because you owed me.

The part where you made me sit down a second time after telling me an hour and half before that maybe I should come back later (having waited for systems to work), filled me with hope and love for your product. I could not wait to see you again instead of spending my time browsing around shops and whiling away the hours, when all I wanted was to be with you – and you made me wait so long. Just teasing? Naughty thing.

The part when you told me your systems were down – after spending another 15 minutes the second time round teasing me with photocopying and taking my bank card. I really felt like it was going to happen this time…we were so close…and then you told me once again you couldn’t. If I think about I should have told you that already – I knew your system wasn’t into helping me an hour ago. I knew it. I chose to believe it would this time…because you said so.

When you said to me I could walk around the Waterfront again while I waited I should have thanked you. After all “if you love them set them free”, right? Sadly I had already visited every shop in the mall waiting for you the first time round and unlike you, who obviously has the patience of Job and can wait all day, sadly I had better things to do.

When you said you would call, I felt so special. It meant that once again I could climb into my car, find and pay for parking at the Waterfront again, just to see you a third time in one day. How lucky I am to have you??

The part when your manager said “what do you want me to do about it?” I should have cried with love over your concern.

When he tried to explain that Vodacom was down, again tears nearly rolled down my cheeks. Firstly I thought you were Vodacom?

And secondly as a star crossed client I was hoping that you would have avoided telling me how the backend system of your brain works…sometimes my love, I don’t want to know how and what connects to what - and how its not your fault – I just want you to tell me your sorry and help put it right again.

The manager told me that the “other” Vodacom (whoever they are? Should I feel jealous?) hadn’t been able to give him an “ETA” (so precious) on when the problem would be sorted. Which is why I was surprised that you hadn’t mentioned that to me when I sat down for the second time? Or is the “other” Vodacom selective and evil in whom it tells? All I want from you is honesty – the truth my love.

Why did you keep me waiting around if you knew? I thought you were different.

Your friends gathered to listen to our conversation, stood at the side and laughed. How special I felt as guest in your home. So loved and cherished. In the end I am glad though that I did tell them to go - I Know they are your friends but at the end of the day my love being stared and laughed at when I am in your home just didn’t make me feel good. I had hoped you would deal with that?

The part where your friend offered to “fly to Jo’burg to make it work” was outstanding. I cannot tell you how special that made me feel. That some one would do that for me, although to be honest he did sound a bit flippant.

When I told him so, I think he realized that he was hurting me feelings and then offered to apologize on “behalf of all Vodacom”. How nice of him – so magnanimous (you can tell him that’s a “good” word as I am not sure he would be able to know that himself).

My love I feel that I may wait for you forever – I cannot anymore and feel that I need to go another place to fulfill my needs. Somewhere where they know what’s going on, don’t try and give me rubbish instead of an apology. Where they don’t try and tell me the intricate connections of the Vodacom network and why its not there fault that I wasted 3 hors of my day on their advice…naturally I wont leave the network -0 could you imagine the admin and pain. I just don’t feel that I will be visiting you anytime soon at the Waterfront…your performance is pathetic to say the least.

I am posting this from my phone – which you do operate – as my wireless connection at home is still out of order. Owing to the fact that you were once again unable to help me out.

You’re the best.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

MJ is a Ivorian Prince...sort of...

I shall rule you all when I return...

With more press on the King of Pop now than ever we are making sure we are keeping with the latest news, fact and fiction.

The latest to come out of the Land of the free and plastic is that Michael was rumored to have been laid to rest by an African tribe known as the Anyi. And why not indeed.

Michael reportedly visited the tribe from the Ivory Coast back in the early ‘90’s and they crowned him Prince Michael Amalaman Anohin (obviously they didn’t know he was already a King (of pop) back home). Although Michael didn’t release any albums under his new African name he was worshipped by the tribe who believed he had magic powers and would one day return and rule of over them (we believe that may have just been the Jesus Juice” talking).

According to them he had a DNA test done and found that he actually is a descendent of the tribe (in its self worrying as it means Jo Jackson may actually be a god as well).

Allegedly tribal leaders tried to have Michaels body released via the Ivorian American Embassy but unsurprisingly were turned down.

Not ones to give up they have stated that if the Americans or his family do allow them to bring his body back to their homeland they will do what needs to be done to lay the Prince (surely a demotion?) to rest.

They live in hope – and to be honest so do we.

Robbie Willaims ads a Jackson Tribute track:

Well it’s worth the free publicity and marketing isn’t it!

Robbie Williams who is currently putting the final touches to his much anticipated next album (Reality Killed the Video Star) has called a last minute meeting in an effort to ad a new tribute track to Michael Jackson.

The album is set for realeas in October and is in the last stages of production but Williams’ explained, "Michael Jackson died. It's all so very sad. I couldn't get a lyric to fit on one of the new songs, so when he passed away I rewrote it with him in mind."

According to the record company the track is a moving tribute to the late King of Pop who died in June this year. To be honest we didn’t expected it to be a comedy tribute did we?

Airbrushing illegal?

In the arms of The Madonna...mmm not so much...

(UK) Liberal Democrats are calling for the banning of “photo shopping” in magazines. From a stick think Kate Winslet to a rather busty Kiera Knightly airbrushing the stars has become so common place we don’t really notice any more.

The Lib Dems in an effort to build the self-esteem of young girls are now pushing for a ban on the art or at the very least disclosure on how and where the pictures have been altered or enhanced.

Citing the younger generations (and some older peeps lets not forget!) need to aspire to the stick thin and glossy look of many magazines, they point to the fact that the look is obviously unattainable due to the faked imagery.

We agree of course – but sometimes there is a need to hide the ageing and of course the hideous. We cite Madonna’s latest outing in Russia above as evidence.

First rule of lightening club...

You just don't stand under it do you?

Brad Gifford woke up in hospital yesterday, less three layers of skin and severe burns to his shoulders and groin but thank fully lived to tell the tale.

Seeking shelter from a thunderstorm and neglecting to remember what his mother had always taught him, Gifford sought shelter for himself and his two cocker spaniels under a tree while the storm passed. Unfortunately it didn’t.

The 38 year old was hit in the right ear by a 30 000 volt bolt of lightening shattering his ear drums and his illusions of shelter.

Gifford woke in intensive care slightly worse for wear but still the owner of 2 cocker spaniels. Luckily he was holding their leashes as doctors surmised they would have been toasted in the ensuing strike.

Check your mate

Becks takes 15 seconds off his life

A new poll has found that men spend an average of a quarter of an hour a day ogling women. The gazing, spread over an average of 10 different women per day, adds up to a staggering 11 days a year or 259 hours. That’s nearly a full year (11 months and 11 days) spent “window shopping” from the age you are 18 through to 50.

And it’s not just the men. Women come in at a healthy 20 minutes a day checking out the talent totaling just over 6 months in the same 32 year period.

(Poll: Kodak Lens Vision Centres, which questioned 3,000 Britons)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Wanted Dead or Alive...

In the event of fire please use the Pepsi provided...

It seems that being dead is more profitable than being alive in some cases – when it comes to making cash that is. Naturally we would all prefer a living MJ but it would appear that since his death his albums have soared up the charts again, raking in a ton of cash for his estate.

Sounscan is reporting 1.1 Million MJ albums sold last week – up 37% on last week. Nearly 2.5 million albums have been sold since his death was announced.

I saw this earlier – many reports now coming out that Jackson’s dalliance with drugs started here – when a Pepsi commercial he was filing went horribly wrong. His addiction to pain killers apparently came about after suffering from burns received while filming.

Jacksons Pepsi Commercial with highlights...

Not sure about you but I cannot believe he carried on dancing not realizing he was on fire!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Fight of the accordions’...or something...

Flight of the Choncords - above
shows only one in flight obviously - but they do both fly...

I know this has been spoken about before but reckon its worth revisiting! If you haven’t checked out “Flight of the Conchords” yet then you are missing out.

A mate of mine introduced me to the Kiwi duo a few years ago and I still think they are one of the most inspired comedy acts for years.

I love standup comedy but these guys just take the stage to a new level. If “Albie the Racist Dragon” and “Business Time” don’t get you laughing on a cold day like today I don’t know what will!

Actually it’s perfect “office” viewing. You know the type. You watch it at your desk. Laugh out loud and then everyone asks you what you’re watching and you say something to the effect of “hang on I will forward you the link”.

Before you know it you get up to go for coffee and someone in sales comes up to you and says “Hey! Have you checked out these guys Fight of the accordions’…?”

And you're like," Dude…firstly, “Flight of the Conchords” and secondly, who do you think discovered them?”

Take a deep breathe – this will happen but be that person today!

Business time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

Albie the racist dragon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-jVAHAuiS4

Enjoy and tell the guy in sales he is so 2008…;)


Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Head Hunted! By Shell!

Now using Gmail to recruit world wide...

Just got this via my work mail - extremely honored to be selected by for this job and very tempted. However I feel they might have got the wrong guy?

Not sure a radio jock should be let anywhere near a gas or oil rig for any significant amount of time.

Reckon this scam is going to catch a lot of people out – especially in these times.

“SHELL JOB OFFER!!!” – nothing subtle about that one then…

Naturally I have applied - nothing ventured...


Dear Patrick - very exited - I have added my notes below in blue as I have a few questions. Of course very exited to be selected for this. After having found out that I hadnt just in herited $4 Billion USD from my long lost North African relatives who recently died in a very sudden and tragic coup, I am pretty much desperate for work to be honest...look forward to your reply.

Could you pay particular attention to my requests re. wet weather gear. Its a deal breaker I am afraid.



Shell Petroleum Development Company of Nigeria.

#5 Rumuobiokani Road,

P.O.BOX 307

Port Harcourt,Nigeria.


Client code /VIC/SPDC/ vol. 109

Attn: Applicant,

Subject: Shell Job Offer

You are hereby notified that your qualifications and experiences were found suitable for the requirements of Shell Petroleum Development Company offshore job .

(I have Matric, Web design and Ecommerce qualifications – so I could help market the oil online once we have drilled it out - I dont mind registering the domains etc as well...)

For verification and screening you are to submit your most recent resume through our e-mail and also you are expected to provide your working documents to our immigration consultant to enable him to process your immigration papers & visa,if you are employ by shell company.

(You mean I pay you several thousands Dollars USD in visa and admin fees…and thats when i get the job?)

Shell Petroleum Development Company with respect to the said project requires the services of expatriate personnels in Gas Engineering,> Electrical/Electronics
Engineering, Geoscience, Project Management, Software Engineering, Mechanical Engineering, Field Doctors,Captains,Security, Medicine, Chemical Engineering, Petroleum Engineering,Project Engineering,Civil Engineering,Environmental Management, Materials Engineering, Welding,Drilling,Accounting,and Economics whose
services will include project management, engineering,procurement, construction, transportation and installation,safety,hook up, commissioning of the production
platform, pipelaying etc.

(Basically any job you could think of then...and the ones you couldn’t think of are covered by the “etc.” – Do you need DJ’s???)

SALARY: Very Attractive (within 4.920 GBP-9.800GBP )monthly and will be
transferred to any Bank in any Country of your own.
(I don’t own a country of my own – is that ok? Or are dictators really the only guys you are looking for currently?)

JOB LOCATION: Aderdeen,united kingdom & others location worldwide. (again pretty much anywhere you could think of in the world…you left out “etc.” on this one…oh and you spelt the UK incorrectly…)

choice through all transfers will be made in conformity with the existing
tax system in
United Kingdom. (What does this mean? Please clarify…I thought Shell was a Dutch? Is that why you spelt UK wrong? Do you need DJ’s?)

CONTRACT DURATION: 48 months (Liable for upward review depending on
your commitment and expertise) (I would be very committed from the start – does that mean we can extend from the beginning? Do you need DJ’s?)

DURATION OF WORK PERIODS: Three months work, one month pay leave. (Do I also get paid for the months I work? Or just the ones I take off? Will I need wet weather gear or do you supply?)

Interested and qualified persons should send their applications, detailed
resume/cv and copies of credentials to:

Note: interview will be conducted online immediately. (Its 4am here at the moment – once I hit send do I wait for you to call? Are you up yet? Maybe use my mobile number as my family is asleep – can you let me know about the wet weather gear when you call – would like to get that sorted from the start.)


Patrick smith.


Shell Company.

Vodacom PLayer 23 Ad - loving it!

Player 23 ;)

Just a quickie - how damn cool is the new Vodacom ad?

Sat down with comedian Malcolm Ferreira (Jan of “Jan and Elton” fame) on the show the other day and chatted about how his life has changed since moving to Cape Town and of course doing the Ad – have to say one of the nicest guys I have met in a very long time.

Check the ad here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t9dVJTcBu0 if you haven’t seen it!

We also sat down with Malcolm and put him through his paces with shows “Rich List”

Check it out here!
New Rich List up with Jan "Malcolm F" (VODACOM - Player 23) - http://www.kfm.co.za/richlist.asp

Monday, May 04, 2009

When planes and pampers meet.

They meet and plan your quiet time...

Flew home from Jo’burg last night.  There are some significant flaying-parent changes I have picked up since becoming a father.

Although I was flying solo (wife and child at home) there were several people on board with their kids. I have flown previously and intensely hated sitting next to a child on a plane. Anything on a plane below the age of 3 will inevitably play up.

In 2008 BC (that’s Before Child) I would openly cringe and be irritable with said parents for even deeming to be on the same flight as me with the nappied ones. Kids were not made for flying. It’s a long and uncomfortable journey

even for those of us big enough to use the toilet on our own. But for small children it can be hell. To the uninitiated,  young children cant equalize their own ears. This results in an almost instant blocking and pain for the child after take-off, which results in the inevitable crying. It’s painful as an adult but at least we can deal with it; as a child…well you can only imagine.

However  ever since having a child of my own, my take on it is completely different. Whether I am accustomed to the crying now or realize that even when the baby is screaming the parents are doing their best to pacify them, I am more chilled and comfy with the idea of kids on a plane.  Trust me there are few folks in the world that want their child crying and disturbing other passengers. It’s embarrassing and stressful for the parents.  While you are saying “why are you not shutting that kid up?” under your breathe, said mum or dad is doing their best to do just that. Kids don’t come with an on off switch – it would be bliss if they did but they don’t.         

They women who I was sitting next too had a 15 month old boy on her lap. They plane was delayed for take-off by an hour and she was already apologizing to me for the soon to be released pent up frustration from “Klein Jan”.  But it didn’t bother me. For once I knew what was coming, that the parents were doing their best they could and that inevitably Klein Jan would do his best to make sure everyone was aware he wasn’t enjoying his time in row 15, seat C.

I did eventually move seats. Not because of the noise but rather to give KJ some more room to clamber about. But I didn’t get upset like I used too. I just smiled and knew I was helping his folks in the same way I hope someone would do for my wife and I when we travel.

And besides he had reason to complain. BA were as shocking as ever! How is it that internationally they are a dream to travel with and yet internally I would rather pass nails. Delayed by an hour at the start. Delayed at the end by 15 minutes while we waited for some local power to be connected. Maybe it’s ACSA or Comair who knows. The plane was badged with BA so I blame them.

I suspect so does Klein Jan. 

Friday, May 01, 2009

Pigs of Conspiracy?

The Jackson 5 fans turned out in their masses to get a glimpse...

I love conspiracy theories. Sometimes I don’t believe they are conspiracy but outright truths. On air yesterday EWN was reporting that in the majority of cases reported in Mexico, it is yet to be proven that it is actually “Swine Flu” that is causing deaths and illness there. The results are simply not back from the labs yet.

A mate of mine mailed me this morning with some interesting info below:

Hi buddy
This Swine Flu thing is getting out of control apparently. Do the research and you will find that the owners of Tamiflu the so called 'cure' predicted 531% sales growth in FY2009. It just so happens they made 330 million in the Q1 of 2005 from the 'Avian Flu' outbreak! And, to thicken the plot...Mr Rumsfeld, ex Us Sec of Defence is the Chairman of the company that owns the intellectual property rights to Tamiflu...


I am quite open to believing that this flu (now with a new name"the H1N1 virus" to make us fear it even more), is possibly just a scare tactic to make profits. It may exist and it may be deadly but what a perfect opportunity to make some cash.

I mean boy, who wouldn’t want to own a surgical mask making company right now?

BTW, Wasn’t Rumsfeld supposed to be still looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction somewhere? Maybe he found a new one in a new Desert just south of the States.

Does make you think.