Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Love letter to Vodacom at the Waterfront...bless them.

Just wasted an entire morning in the vague hope that Vodacom in the Waterfront could help me out. You know, do their thing and sort out my 3G upgrade...sadly not...systems down...for three hours...although they forgot to mention that part to me...

Dear Vodacom Waterfront,

I loved spending 3 hours waiting on you and leaving with nothing. It made me feel special and valued as a client. After all, we spend so little time together, other than once a month when you go into my bank account, like you have every month for the past 6 years or so and take your fill. It was nice for a change to be visiting you because you owed me.

The part where you made me sit down a second time after telling me an hour and half before that maybe I should come back later (having waited for systems to work), filled me with hope and love for your product. I could not wait to see you again instead of spending my time browsing around shops and whiling away the hours, when all I wanted was to be with you – and you made me wait so long. Just teasing? Naughty thing.

The part when you told me your systems were down – after spending another 15 minutes the second time round teasing me with photocopying and taking my bank card. I really felt like it was going to happen this time…we were so close…and then you told me once again you couldn’t. If I think about I should have told you that already – I knew your system wasn’t into helping me an hour ago. I knew it. I chose to believe it would this time…because you said so.

When you said to me I could walk around the Waterfront again while I waited I should have thanked you. After all “if you love them set them free”, right? Sadly I had already visited every shop in the mall waiting for you the first time round and unlike you, who obviously has the patience of Job and can wait all day, sadly I had better things to do.

When you said you would call, I felt so special. It meant that once again I could climb into my car, find and pay for parking at the Waterfront again, just to see you a third time in one day. How lucky I am to have you??

The part when your manager said “what do you want me to do about it?” I should have cried with love over your concern.

When he tried to explain that Vodacom was down, again tears nearly rolled down my cheeks. Firstly I thought you were Vodacom?

And secondly as a star crossed client I was hoping that you would have avoided telling me how the backend system of your brain works…sometimes my love, I don’t want to know how and what connects to what - and how its not your fault – I just want you to tell me your sorry and help put it right again.

The manager told me that the “other” Vodacom (whoever they are? Should I feel jealous?) hadn’t been able to give him an “ETA” (so precious) on when the problem would be sorted. Which is why I was surprised that you hadn’t mentioned that to me when I sat down for the second time? Or is the “other” Vodacom selective and evil in whom it tells? All I want from you is honesty – the truth my love.

Why did you keep me waiting around if you knew? I thought you were different.

Your friends gathered to listen to our conversation, stood at the side and laughed. How special I felt as guest in your home. So loved and cherished. In the end I am glad though that I did tell them to go - I Know they are your friends but at the end of the day my love being stared and laughed at when I am in your home just didn’t make me feel good. I had hoped you would deal with that?

The part where your friend offered to “fly to Jo’burg to make it work” was outstanding. I cannot tell you how special that made me feel. That some one would do that for me, although to be honest he did sound a bit flippant.

When I told him so, I think he realized that he was hurting me feelings and then offered to apologize on “behalf of all Vodacom”. How nice of him – so magnanimous (you can tell him that’s a “good” word as I am not sure he would be able to know that himself).

My love I feel that I may wait for you forever – I cannot anymore and feel that I need to go another place to fulfill my needs. Somewhere where they know what’s going on, don’t try and give me rubbish instead of an apology. Where they don’t try and tell me the intricate connections of the Vodacom network and why its not there fault that I wasted 3 hors of my day on their advice…naturally I wont leave the network -0 could you imagine the admin and pain. I just don’t feel that I will be visiting you anytime soon at the Waterfront…your performance is pathetic to say the least.

I am posting this from my phone – which you do operate – as my wireless connection at home is still out of order. Owing to the fact that you were once again unable to help me out.

You’re the best.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

MJ is a Ivorian Prince...sort of...

I shall rule you all when I return...

With more press on the King of Pop now than ever we are making sure we are keeping with the latest news, fact and fiction.

The latest to come out of the Land of the free and plastic is that Michael was rumored to have been laid to rest by an African tribe known as the Anyi. And why not indeed.

Michael reportedly visited the tribe from the Ivory Coast back in the early ‘90’s and they crowned him Prince Michael Amalaman Anohin (obviously they didn’t know he was already a King (of pop) back home). Although Michael didn’t release any albums under his new African name he was worshipped by the tribe who believed he had magic powers and would one day return and rule of over them (we believe that may have just been the Jesus Juice” talking).

According to them he had a DNA test done and found that he actually is a descendent of the tribe (in its self worrying as it means Jo Jackson may actually be a god as well).

Allegedly tribal leaders tried to have Michaels body released via the Ivorian American Embassy but unsurprisingly were turned down.

Not ones to give up they have stated that if the Americans or his family do allow them to bring his body back to their homeland they will do what needs to be done to lay the Prince (surely a demotion?) to rest.

They live in hope – and to be honest so do we.

Robbie Willaims ads a Jackson Tribute track:

Well it’s worth the free publicity and marketing isn’t it!

Robbie Williams who is currently putting the final touches to his much anticipated next album (Reality Killed the Video Star) has called a last minute meeting in an effort to ad a new tribute track to Michael Jackson.

The album is set for realeas in October and is in the last stages of production but Williams’ explained, "Michael Jackson died. It's all so very sad. I couldn't get a lyric to fit on one of the new songs, so when he passed away I rewrote it with him in mind."

According to the record company the track is a moving tribute to the late King of Pop who died in June this year. To be honest we didn’t expected it to be a comedy tribute did we?

Airbrushing illegal?

In the arms of The Madonna...mmm not so much...

(UK) Liberal Democrats are calling for the banning of “photo shopping” in magazines. From a stick think Kate Winslet to a rather busty Kiera Knightly airbrushing the stars has become so common place we don’t really notice any more.

The Lib Dems in an effort to build the self-esteem of young girls are now pushing for a ban on the art or at the very least disclosure on how and where the pictures have been altered or enhanced.

Citing the younger generations (and some older peeps lets not forget!) need to aspire to the stick thin and glossy look of many magazines, they point to the fact that the look is obviously unattainable due to the faked imagery.

We agree of course – but sometimes there is a need to hide the ageing and of course the hideous. We cite Madonna’s latest outing in Russia above as evidence.

First rule of lightening club...

You just don't stand under it do you?

Brad Gifford woke up in hospital yesterday, less three layers of skin and severe burns to his shoulders and groin but thank fully lived to tell the tale.

Seeking shelter from a thunderstorm and neglecting to remember what his mother had always taught him, Gifford sought shelter for himself and his two cocker spaniels under a tree while the storm passed. Unfortunately it didn’t.

The 38 year old was hit in the right ear by a 30 000 volt bolt of lightening shattering his ear drums and his illusions of shelter.

Gifford woke in intensive care slightly worse for wear but still the owner of 2 cocker spaniels. Luckily he was holding their leashes as doctors surmised they would have been toasted in the ensuing strike.

Check your mate

Becks takes 15 seconds off his life

A new poll has found that men spend an average of a quarter of an hour a day ogling women. The gazing, spread over an average of 10 different women per day, adds up to a staggering 11 days a year or 259 hours. That’s nearly a full year (11 months and 11 days) spent “window shopping” from the age you are 18 through to 50.

And it’s not just the men. Women come in at a healthy 20 minutes a day checking out the talent totaling just over 6 months in the same 32 year period.

(Poll: Kodak Lens Vision Centres, which questioned 3,000 Britons)